The following letter is from Morgan Oliveira, director of communications for Hampton Creek, a startup working on replacing eggs with plant-based products.
Dear Apple Watch,
Well, we’ve been together for a whole week now. And I have to say, it has been quite a week. Not really what I had expected when you arrived. I had such high hopes, too… you were so pretty in that simple, sleek, little white box.
But it’s just not working out. In fact, this may come off as harsh, but you’ve actually disappointed me quite a bit. I really tried to keep an open mind but you just haven’t been the epitome of technological perfection that I had hoped and dreamed of.
But I probably owe you a better explanation — and not just a topical “lack of romantic connection” sort of lame-o excuse. So here we go.
Well, Apple Watch, to be frank, you’re driving me crazy. I thought I was “connected” before, but now not a minute goes by without my wrist buzzing or dinging, or even worse, when you tell me after just an hour to stand up. I run 6 miles every morning and I can’t sit for more than an hour without a nagging from you?
And to that point, let’s talk about your fitness tracking. It’s not great. I have to tell you exactly what I’m doing for you to know. I guess I just expected you to have an enhanced sense of my movements. I thought you’d know me better. But you just don’t. And there were a couple days where you didn’t track my run at all even though I asked you to. No, I don’t want to hear it – I know for a fact I burned more than one calorie in 45 minutes of running.
Plus, I can’t even take you swimming. I mean, I don’t actually like swimming, but if I wanted to, I couldn’t bring you and you couldn’t track it. That is a limit on my life and bugs the hell out of me. I want someone who is with me for the long haul no matter what kind of activity I’m into. No matter what. I’m actually nervous to even bring you in the shower. You say you’re splash proof, but I’m not sure I believe you. And I know it is just a matter of time before I forget and take the plunge with you still on. (We may not be right for each other, but I don’t want to kill you. And I think this water thing is just going to make it inevitable.)
Then there’s your energy. I get it – you have a lot to keep up with. All those apps and I press you for updates. But a daily charge is kind of crazy. How can you really monitor me well if I have to take you off for hours at a time every, single day? I expect this kind of behavior from my iPhone, but I guess I just thought you were better than that.
You’ve also taken something very precious away from me: excuses. How can I tell my boss I missed his text? Or my mom that I didn’t see she called? They know about you! You’ve ruined any type of escape from life that I may have had. What little privacy that was left in my life is gone. I mean, I could have shut your power to notify me off, but what would be the point of even being with you then? Really?
And when I do want to respond to a text, I have to use your words. I mean, not that you have bad suggested responses, I just like to have my own replies to peeps, feel me? You’re (no offense) slightly robotic in the way you talk. I guess I just wish I realized that off the bat. I’ll take the blame on this – I should have asked, but nonetheless, wasn’t thrilled to realize you were taking words right out of my mouth. Your new moving emoticons are pretty cool; I’ll give you that one. But you only have two. And you know I can’t send twirling hearts to at least half the people I talk to or they’d think me creepy!
I kind of thought you’d be easier to understand, too. I’ve known others in your family – your phones, your laptops, even your ipods back in the day – and well, you’re simply more complicated. I’m not saying this is your fault, but again, I thought things with us would be easier. It’s more complication than I want in my life at this point and I’m not ready to devote a lot of time into a watch piece. Maybe down the road, but not today.
And, let’s face it. You’re hot now. I mean, really hot: gorgeous face, great body, pretty smart, and hell, everyone is talking about you. But we both know this isn’t going to last long. A year from now, you’re going to be a has-been. I know – this sounds insensitive, but it’s true! To be blunt, you’re really high maintenance and costly for something I’m going to have to part with in a year or two anyways, and honestly, I’m looking for a deeper connection. Someone to stand the test of time. I can’t pass you on to my kids, I just can’t.
I hope you understand why this just isn’t going to work. It’s not personal, really. I’m just not that into you. But there are literally millions of others just dying to be with you, so I’m sure you’ll be fine! We did have a few good times this week that I’ll always look back on fondly and hopefully we can stay in touch somehow, but for now, the clock’s run out on our time together.
Wishing you the best,